Quarantine Update- Week 9 of Quarantine: Five Types of Emotional Baggage & How to Let Them Go
We’re over two months into this new staying-at-home life most of us are living. This week, we learned that summer camps have been cancelled through the end of June (at the very least), which was not a surprise but still kinda disappointing. And, it looks like the youth summer employment programs my son applied to have also been cancelled.
But, as a result, we are learning that our disappointments are just a part of life during a pandemic. Also, part of #QuarantineLife is having to be very patient while we wait to see how things go as states try to reopen, ours included.
That said, we are still trucking along at our house. We’re staying busy with work, school, and whatever virtual social functions and activities we can add to our days. And, I’m spending time trying out some of self-help courses because this is as good a time as any to learn some new life skills, right?
Resilience
This week’s #Next90Challenge topic is one I expected they would discuss closer to the beginning of the series: resilience. And, that’s because Rachel Hollis is all about being resilient. (Again, there’s no late time to start. The challenge is still going on, and it’s still free to join at this link. )
If you have not read her book (which I recommend because it is a fun read and has some decent advice), you may not know that Rachel Hollis endured a fairly traumatic childhood and then ventured on her own after high school, building a multi-million dollar business from the ground up, and often after much rejection and failure. As a result, resilience might as well be her middle name.
I’ve posted a link before, but I’m doing it again for those who have not yet read a copy of this book. “Girl Wash Your Face” is a fun and empowering read for anyone looking for a motivational story by a self-made woman.
According to Rachel Hollis, resilience is the ability to withstand or recover from difficult situations. And, it looks different for each person.
While the lesson on resilience was pretty brief- just about 20 minutes, it was filled with some common sense information and advice:
- Withstanding uncertainty and pressure. Although we are currently living in what feels like a more uncertain time, I agree with Ms. Hollis that life has always been uncertain. Our neighbor’s little car-crash into our garage this fall taught me that lesson. So, to withstand uncertain and stressful times, we need to make daily decisions that put us in the right physical condition and mindset. She recommends taking care of your physical needs, make self-care a priority, and stay motivated.
- Reevaluating what you put on hold. While there are a number of things we cannot be doing right now (taking that luxury cruise, going to Disney), we can be keeping in mind our long-term goals and taking whatever steps you can to make your dreams come true.
- Resisting anxiety and procrastination. I have listened to a lot of lawyers and judges give advice, and a common theme they have is that if you’re not moving forwards, you’re moving backwards. What that means is that if you are not striving to do better or reach for something positive, you may be losing ground. So, although you may be tempted to take a vacation from your goals right now because everything seems so unpredictable, try to resist that temptation. Ask yourself what is your true purpose? What still gets you excited? Let that motivate you to keep moving forward, even if it’s just a few steps, towards your ultimate goals.
That said, it is hard to be motivated if there are things that are acting as obstacles to your ability to think big and dream. If that’s the case, the rest of this blog post is for you.
What is holding you down?
As I mentioned in my post last week, this is a great time to be thinking about how we can make changes or create habits that will bring us closer to becoming our best selves. And, while I know it’s important to think about concepts like resilience as we contemplate our direction at this time, some of us may need to do some groundwork before we get there.
When I think of the word “resilient,” it calls to mind the phrase, “bouncing back.” And bouncing has its own imagery that comes with it.
For me, I picture everything from Disney’s Tigger character (as he uses his own tail for bouncing) to one of those inflatable bounce-back punching bag toys. They bring to mind an automatic, almost determined ability to come back.
But, we are not cartoon characters or toy punching bags (well, depending on how life is treating you, a punching bag may not be totally inaccurate). People are complicated, and our ability to bounce back does not always come easily or naturally.
For many folks, resilience is an easy skill to practice. For others, setbacks can lead to years of lost progress as they are unable to get up and get going. If you are like me, sitting somewhere in the middle of that resilience spectrum, then you may feel your ability to bounce back depends on your emotional baggage.
(Here’s the disclaimer- if your inability to get motivated is related to a more serious condition like depression, please seek professional help. Here is a link to a list of hotlines where you can find help.)
5 Types of Emotional Baggage
I believe that there are several types of emotional baggage that leave us distracted, anxious, frustrated, and overall unable to experience the kind of resilience that will help us out of truly challenging times. I mean, how can you bounce back when you’re anchored down by emotional baggage?
Below are 5 types of emotional baggage that commonly weigh us down. Once you identify these in your life, you can move on to the 5 ways to set down the bags so you can bounce back to a better you!
1. Circumstances Outside Your Control. I’m listing this one first because it’s not only common that everyone has problems that are outside their control, but this pandemic is currently one of the most noticeable examples. Most people who are goal oriented and organized tend to like to be in control of their lives and the circumstances affecting them. But, the truth is that we are never in control of anything more than our response to what is happening around us.
2. Problems That Aren’t Yours. How many times are you involved in someone else’s problems? Perhaps your have two siblings that don’t get along, and you find yourself acting as a mediator. Or, your neighbor mentions having a problem and you feel like it’s your job to take it up with the homeowners’ association.
Often, getting involved in these problems take a lot of time and energy while you wind up feeling like people are just taking advantage of your problem-solving skills. This is what happens when you take ownership of problems that are not yours.
3. Others’ Opinions of You/Comparisons to Others. There is nothing more soul-crushing than feeling like you’re living your life to someone else’s standards. Whether that person is a judgmental relative or friend, it will damage your self-esteem if you allow yourself to be motivated solely by your desire to please or gain approval from other people.
The same goes for comparing yourself to others. You are no better than a judgmental friend if you tell yourself that you have to keep up with the Jones’s, whether that means having the same standard of living of others or constantly proving on social media just how awesome your life is. There is never a sense of satisfaction or “good enough” if you are living up to anyone else’s standards but your own.
4. Other People’s Choices. As a wife, mother, daughter, and lawyer, I know first-hand the temptation to give advice and try to run other people’s lives. The thing is, unless we are talking about guiding our young children, or providing counsel that’s part or our jobs, we cannot dictate other people’s choices.
For many people, the need to control others becomes a form of self-martyrdom and victimization, because inevitably, people will make their own decisions, regardless of how much you try to get them to act how you wish. This can then lead to breakdowns in relationships and a pretty angry mindset on the part of the person who “knows better” and whose advice or opinions are being ignored.
5. Anger and Resentment. In our human relationships, it is only natural that people will hurt one another. That’s just part of the deal. Trusts will be broken, as will hearts. People will act selfishly, and sometimes at your expense. And, that will leave you hurt and angry.
While anger is a natural and important emotion, it is in no way healthy to hang onto it. Harboring grudges is one of the worst ways to hold yourself back emotionally, and it can actually leave you physically ill. As the old saying goes, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Anger can also stem from bad experiences- things that we could not avoid and just had the bad luck of experiencing. However, the same is true for this type of resentment. Stubbornly holding onto bad feelings will only lead to more bad feelings.
5 Ways to Drop the Baggage
Letting go has been a major theme in my week. I know I have little control over much of what is happening in my life and the lives of those around me, and although I’m an admitted control-freak by nature, I’m finding that letting go of these emotional weights is letting me rise up and become more resilient.
1. Faith and Hope. Feeling out of control? While it is frustrating to not know what may happen in a day or a week or a month from now, we cannot allow ourselves to be paralyzed by our inability to control our circumstances. This pandemic is giving us a great opportunity to find ways to manage our controlling tendencies because so much is up in the air. Some ways to do this are to foster our spiritual gifts.
Faith and hope are powerful antidotes to fearing the unknown and unpredictable. Relying on whatever faith system you have in place, or cultivating one, will help remind you that there is a greater power in charge, and you don’t have to take on the burden of running the world.
Hope is a natural extension of faith. It not only promotes trust that everything will be okay, but has an expectation that it will be. And, believing that things will work out often will manifest that belief into reality. One way to lean into a sense of hope is to focus on your goals. So, as I recommended in last week’s post, start brainstorming some hopeful goals for your future, because goal-setting is one of the few things you can control!
2. Focusing on Yourself. Finding yourself constantly involved in other people’s problems? Although you and others may think you’re more equipped than they are to tackle certain problems, it’s not healthy to take on other people’s issues. Ask yourself, “is it mine? Does it have my name on it?” If the answer to either of those questions is no, then it’s time to let it go. A good way to do that is to focus on your own issues. Goodness knows we all have enough of our own problems without adding everyone else’s to our plates.
If you find yourself tempted to intervene in some issues that doesn’t directly pertain to you, ask yourself what issues you are personally experiencing and focus on those instead. If someone tries to drag you in, politely tell them that you have a lot on your plate and cannot take on another task. You may be helping your friend find resources and skills that they need to develop so they can handle their own problems. (Caveat– if it involves your child, someone you are responsible to care for, or it is part of your profession to deal with those issues, by all means you should intervene. This isn’t an excuse to get out of legitimate responsibilities.)
3. Self-Compassion. Constantly worried about how people think of you, or are you comparing yourself to others? One way to get out of the shadow of others’ expectations and standards is to practice self-compassion. This means acknowledging the imperfections of your life and telling yourself that you are enough. “Everyone struggles.” “No one is perfect.” “I am enough.” Just repeating these types of mantras will pull you out of the comparison mindset and let you start living a life that YOU desire rather than the one you think others will approve of. Try some self-compassion meditations (look these up on YouTube), and quietly begin to change your mindset. If you are interested in self-compassion, see this prior post.
4. Understanding and Compassion for Others. Do you wish you could take control of your loved ones’ decisions? Are they doing things “the wrong way,” and you just know better? Remember that our friends and loved ones who are adults are fully capable of determining how they should live their lives, even if you don’t agree with how they do that. Adults deserve the dignity to make their own decisions, regardless of the wisdom or the outcome. Again, unless it is someone you are truly responsible for guiding in life, it is important to let go of the need to advise and control people.
The best way to combat this is to instead try to understand where the person is coming from and why they would make decisions you do not agree with. Moreover, you can show your care and love for these people in your life by offering them your love and compassion wherever they are on their journey. Should they reach out for help, that may be your cue to step in. Otherwise, live your life and let them live theirs.
5. Forgiveness and Gratitude. Are you angry or living in a box of resentment? When we have been hurt by another person, it is tempting to hold onto that grudge and not let go of the wrong they committed. However, it takes so much mental and emotional energy to hold onto a grudge that the person who’s been wronged winds up suffering even more than they did when they were first injured.
Forgiveness is the process of allowing ourselves to let go of that energy-depleting anger. It is not allowing others to injure us again or accepting what they did as okay. We have choices such as setting healthy boundaries or allow others to make amends, if we thing that’s appropriate. But, the most important thing to do is to let it go and not allow it to steal our peace of mind.
Practicing gratitude can also help us when we are stuck in a place of anger and resentment. After we have been wronged, either by another person or by circumstances, the anger we feel can spiral and grow. It will also start to color the way we see everything around us- no one seems trustworthy and life seems out to get us. Counting the good things in our lives will help pull us out of this downward spiral by reminding us of all the positive things that happen to us every day. If you want more information on how to establish a gratitude practice, check out this post.
Before We Can Bounce Back
If we want to be truly resilient- unencumbered by our past emotional baggage- we first need to let go of the things that are weighing us down. Think about the five types of emotional baggage described above and see if any of the suggestions offered can help you to let go of what’s holding you back.
I hope you find these suggestions to be a good starting place for meditation, prayer, and/or journaling. At the very least, they can give you some insight into the areas of my life where I am now consciously choosing to set down what I have been carrying in the hope that it will allow me to spring back up and focus on moving forward post-quarantine.
As always, here’s how the week looked:
Saturday. It was a marathon cleaning and cooking day. We also spent the evening working on a homemade Mother’s Day card for my mom, which was fun as I got to break out my old scrap-booking supplies.
Sunday. I woke up to the nicest surprise. The kids got up early (even the teenager! And I didn’t see one pig fly by my window), made me breakfast, and tidied up the entire house for Mother’s Day. I sat down to my favorite breakfast sandwich along with gifts and flowers. After our virtual church session, which my daughter made sure we had set up properly, we went to my mom’s to drop off her gift and card (maintaining social distance, of course) and waive to her from the car. When I got home, I got my second gift- my new Ban.do planner and accessories arrived!
Monday. We started the school and workweek back up as usual. At lunch time, we took a break and watched the second in Josh Gad’s Reunited Apart series and were happy to see most of the Back to the Future cast together.
Tuesday. It brought the usual work and school busyness. Given how down she was about some of the things she cannot control, I invited my daughter to do some morning journaling with me on the porch and list out some things she’s grateful for. It seemed to help.
Wednesday. I had a nice little shopping break in the middle of my workday with the launch of Cultivate What Matters’ (CWM) new Girls Goal Planner. I ordered a bundle for my daughter as a graduation gift, as she sees me using my PowerSheets planner daily. (They have their 6-month, undated PowerSheets planners in stock as well, in case you want to try the grown-up system for the remainder of the year). CWM claims to have worked with specialists to make this an age-appropriate system to teach girls about setting and reaching their goals. I’m excited that my daughter will have this as she’s starting middle school!
Thursday. Now that we know that the kids are not going back to school and will be doing remote learning for the rest of the year, we felt it was time to give our daughter her own gadget so she doesn’t have to use the family computer (and we can get to use it again). The Chromebook we ordered arrived on Thursday, and was a real lesson in patience for her. As soon as we ordered it, she was tracking its shipping progress. It’ll be nice for her to be able to have her own device for all of her schoolwork.
Friday. Most of my week was spent preparing for the start of my office’s summer intern program. While we heard that some law offices had cancelled their intern programs due to the pandemic, my office decided we would provide a remote working experience for the law students we had recruited for our annual program. And, while all-day Zoom meetings can be tiring, I’m so grateful we will be able to make a summer internship experience possible for our students.
Lessons learned from this week:
It’s important to teach kids to be patient. Living during a pandemic requires patience as we wait for things to open back up and for us to feel safe enough to go back out into the community again. My kids have been learning lessons in patience throughout this time, and while I don’t relish telling them to wait or that some things may not be possible, it’s important for them to learn this skill. This week, my daughter had to wait for her Chromebook to arrive. Then, she had to wait for the mouse (which was delivered late). And, she is desperate for a pet, which we have told her will have to wait until we are out of quarantine. I’m hoping that through these lessons, she learning to appreciate what she has and to remain hopeful about what may come.
Now is as good a time as any to work on ourselves. Although this time seems like it’s ripe for self-reflection and trying new habits, I’m now starting to wonder why I waited so long? Maybe part of the divine purpose for this crazy time is to light a fire under us to do the things we could have been doing all along. And, to remind us that we should be working on ever-improving ourselves in every season and time in our lives.
As always, I’m hoping everyone is doing well as we are halfway through our second month of sheltering in place. How are you doing? Do you find yourself being resilient during this pandemic or is there some baggage weighing you down? How do you deal with emotional baggage? Leave a comment below.
*As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. If you click a link and make a purchase on Amazon, I may receive a small commission at no charge to you which will help me maintain this website. 😊
**Photos by various artist on Unsplash and Pixabay.
