Why Having a Positive Mindset is a Choice and How Making Changes in 3 Key Areas Can Help Change Your Perspective
These past few weeks have ushered in so much change, and with those changes, are feelings. For the longest time, I convinced myself that I did not have the time nor the energy to deal with my feelings, and it was a pretty unhealthy outlook. I’ve done a lot since that time to change my perspective, and I cannot tell you how much it’s helped.
One of my life goals is to “live a baseline of joy.” That doesn’t mean that I expect to be happy all of the time. I’ve been learning that joy is quite different from happiness. By living at a baseline of joy, I mean that I want my resting emotion (kind of like a resting heartbeat) to be one of contentment and peace.
How to get to this baseline of joy is the question. But, I have been finding that shifting my mindset to focus on more positive things is one way to feel more content, even when things go wrong or I experience some sort of loss.
Moving Past Anxiety and Dread
I’ve mentioned in at least one prior post that a few years ago, I ended up with physical pain from pushing my stress and feelings aside. So, I know how dangerous it can be to not deal with your feelings. And, this is why I’m trying to meet my current ones where they are.
My feelings lately have been ones of uncertainty and sadness given the issues surrounding racism and the increasing virus numbers we’ve seen recently. When I am uncertain, my mind can sink into a place filled with dread.
That feeling of dread is so familiar to me. It can strike at any time, and it tends to bring me down whenever I’m in a situation where things seem bleak and I’m not sure what will happen next.
If I’m not careful, I can spiral into negative thinking, where I not only worry about what will happen next, but I start to convince myself that whatever does happen will probably be bad. I don’t think I’m the only one with this problem.
Looking back on my life experiences, and the many times I have gone through this cycle of worry, dread, and fearing the worst, I have noticed once it passes that I have somehow survived it (not perfectly, and sometimes not unscathed, but I’m okay, nonetheless). This is reassuring. It means that what I’m perceiving as a terrible situation at the time is just a fact of life- we will all experience stress, discomfort, and even suffering, and we will have these experiences many times during our lives.
The good news is, our experiences of unhappiness are almost always temporary. Some may last longer than others, but most every situation resolves itself in some way eventually. This means that when we get to the other side of the negative situation, we have the opportunity to either experience a sense of joy or let it traumatize us so we can only sit paralyzed, anticipating the next bad thing.
To reach for and choose joy, the important thing is to not allow your limited view of the world at times of suffering keep you in a negative mindset. Luckily, there are ways to pull yourself out of what many folks call “stinkin’ thinkin’.”
Choosing the positive over the negative.
We cannot always change our circumstances- there are simply many things that are out of our control. Those include how other people behave, illnesses we or our loved ones may battle, a failing economy that affects our livelihoods, to name a few of the big ones (did I forget to mention pandemics?). We’ve all heard this before: the only thing we can control is ourselves.
And, that control over ourselves can extend to far more than just how we respond to the little things in the world around us. After years of figuring out my own stinkin’ thinkin’ cycle (and believe me, I’m still working on this) I am learning that what we allow to surround us or what we choose to immerse ourselves in can have a major impact on our thoughts and feelings.
I say “thoughts and feelings,” because it’s often our thoughts that lead us to feel a certain way. In other words, we think ourselves into feeling happy or sad or scared, depending on our circumstances. And, if that is the case, we can think ourselves out of those negative feelings and into more positive ones, regardless of our circumstances.
One of the blessings of my job as a criminal defense attorney is the privilege of working with individuals who are fighting to overcome substance abuse. Anyone who recognizes they are addicted to substances and is actively trying to recover from their addiction is a true hero in my book.
Many people believe that overcoming drug or alcohol dependence is about learning to stop using the substance, that will power is the main lesson; but that is only a small part of what these folks have to do. To truly overcome addiction, a person has to change their entire mindset, since addiction is the product of not just habit and conditioning but negative self-image, poor coping skills, and emotional or mental health problems. It’s hard work.
I know that a client of mine is truly engaged in recovery when he or she starts talking about making major changes in their daily lives. And, the three things they tend to focus on changing are the “people, places, and things” that lead them to negative thinking, feelings, and behaviors.
People who have seriously engaged in this recovery process and truly made changes in these areas have been able to achieve and maintain their sobriety. I have looked at these three areas and believe that we can all learn lessons about changing our own thinking and behaviors. I truly believe that any person who suffers from negative thinking can change their mindset by simply making different choices about who they interact with, where they choose to live and engage, and the things they decide to invite into their lives.
Three Areas That Influence Our Mindset and How to Change Them
Often, having a positive outlook during challenging times can be like swimming against a current during a hurricane. For those of us who struggle with negative perspectives, it is not easy to stay positive. It takes work, planning, and resolve. However, by identifying the pitfalls in these three areas and replacing them with more positive influences, we can begin to immerse ourselves in an environment that fosters a healthy, resilient mindset.
People
Who are you spending time with? As social animals, we humans are drawn into all manner of relationships with one another. Whether we are dealing with our families, friends, co-workers, or members of an organization we belong to, our interactions with other people can impact our own outlook on life.
Examples. Unfortunately, there are some people who have more negative effects on us than others. You probably know who these people are in your own life. They either directly make you feel badly about yourself or they encourage you to do things that leave you feeling badly about yourself afterwards. These folks come in many forms, but all can be toxic to your outlook: Gossips, mean girls, drama queens, martyrs, and just your general downers. You feel the effects of these people almost instantly. They are usually self-centered and act like an emotional black hole, drawing you in and snuffing out your needs and feelings, often replacing them with their own.
Try this instead. If you are able, it is sometimes necessary to cut certain negative people out of your life. The first to go should be ones that directly make you feel badly about yourself or people who are using you in some way. Of course, I know it is not always possible to just cut people out of your life- in fact it’s the rare instance where I can just walk away from a difficult person. Whether it is family or people you have to work with, you may have to engage with them regardless of how negatively they impact you.
But, having to be around toxic people does not mean that you cannot do things to lessen the impact they have on your mindset. Try to engage with people intentionally, which means that you set boundaries for that relationship. If you cannot avoid dealing with certain folks, make sure you to keep the time you have to be around them to a minimum, and see if you can use email and texting rather than in-person or phone conversations to communicate with them. If you do have to speak with them personally, be prepared with safe topics of conversation if they start going down a negative path. Finally, learn some strategies for dealing with difficult personalities. A good friend of mine gave me the following book, and I learned so much from it. The four-part method it offers for communicating with difficult people will help you to distance yourself from their drama.
Most importantly, seek out positive people. Some of these folks may already exist in the places you frequent like at a job or place of worship. If not, considering joining a rec league, club, or support group of like-minded individuals. There are plenty of positive people who can contribute meaningfully to your life if you make the effort to find them and start up a conversation.
Places
Where do you live? And with this question, I’m asking you to look beyond the place you list as your address. In addition to the place where you sleep at night, think about the places that you tend to spend a lot of time, either physically or mentally. In the same way that folks with substance abuse issues have places that trigger certain behaviors, there can be places that trigger negative thoughts and feelings for us.
Examples: These can be physical places that hold a bad memory (the site of an old breakup), or that trigger a bad behavior (certain stores where you shop for things you don’t need). They can be areas in your own home– places where you have half-completed projects or which serve as dumping grounds for clutter. Negative spaces can even be virtual. There are some internet sites that bring out the best in some people and the worst in others.
Try this instead: Whenever possible, choose to go to places that make you feel happy and peaceful. This might take some effort, such as purposefully frequenting a place and inviting positive people to join you there (lunch at a good restaurant with friends). If the negative places are in your home, come up with a plan for changing those spaces by decluttering the things that bring you down (more on that below). Let go of the guilt associated with unfinished projects by tossing them out or giving them away. Budget your money to hire someone to fix that hole in the wall. Then, create spaces in your home that brighten your mood just by walking in the room. Finally, take stock of where you’re hanging out online. Are you stress-buying at certain sites? Do you spend your time on Facebook comparing your less-than-perfect life to everyone else’s amazing one? Take some time off of the internet and focus your mind on more positive things.
Here’s a meditation to try. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and think about a place (whether real or imagined) where you feel truly at ease and content. See every detail of the place- what colors surround you? What sounds do you hear? Does it have a certain scent? Are there others there with you? Then, assign a word to that place that you can chant like a mantra. Mine is “Rejuvinate.” Focus on that place and say that word when you find yourself stressed or unhappy and see yourself relaxing into the joyful space that your mind has created.
Things
What have you surrounded yourself with? “Things” is such a broad term, but stay with me here. The term is broad for a reason, because when you think of it, anything can bring you either joy or discontent.
Examples: Physical items can lead to negativity. If you are holding on to things that don’t bring you joy, you could be setting yourself up for negative thinking. Has someone given you something you dislike but you are holding onto it out of a sense of obligation? Was it something you inherited and feel guilty to just throw away? Perhaps you have things around you that are reminders of a past failure like those really skinny jeans you fit into for 5 minutes after a crash diet. Or, like I mentioned above, you have a closet-full of projects or crafts you meant to complete, but you feel badly about throwing them out. (I mean, you could finish them later, if later would ever provide you enough time to finish them.) Finally, you may have so much stuff – a/k/a clutter–that it’s getting in the way of having clean and open spaces. (Things take up space and collect dust, after all).
Another example are things that you may be doing. Are you involved in activities that feel more like drudgery than are worthwhile or meaningful to you personally? Do some of your obligations leave you feeling resentful and taken advantage of? Each thing we choose to do takes up some of the limited time we have during the week; time that could be spent doing other things. These scheduled obligations also use our energy, either physical or mental, that we are not spending on other tasks.
Try this instead: Remind yourself that you don’t have to surround yourself with things that rob you of joy. For the physical objects, grab a box and a trash bag. Go around the spaces where you spend most of your time and identify the items that are eyesores. If you don’t use it or it makes you feel badly, see whether you can donate or trash it. Place the item to be donated in the box and the trash in the bag. With each item, look at the space left behind and see how you feel with the item gone. If you feel relieved great! If you feel guilty- ask yourself what purpose that object served in your life. Guilt is a negative feeling and a big sign that you should be getting rid of that thing.
There are so many books on the market about how to declutter with purpose. Probably the most popular is this one by Marie Kondo, and although it seems a bit silly to go through the process she suggests with each item, she is definitely on to something. How something makes you feel is a good sign of whether you should keep it around you.
That said, if you are looking for something a bit more simple, try the method that I used for several years. The FlyLady program is practical and simple. And, you can always sign up for her free emails on her website, which sends out challenges and reminders to declutter and bless your home.
For the “things” in your schedule, make a list of all you do during the week or month. List out whether it’s something you must do (pay bills, work, care for your kids- yeah, we usually can’t get out of those) or something you have chosen to do (volunteering at your kids’ school, participating in a club). Of the things that are optional, ask yourself whether these activities are ones that are truly worth your time. To do this properly, you have to be brutally honest with yourself and your intentions. Open up and admit to yourself whether you are doing certain things to satisfy your ego (doing it solely because you like the idea of others having to rely on you), please another person, or because of some misplaced belief that the organization will fall apart if you don’t play your part. Stepping back will not only free up your time, it may give opportunities to other people who would like to step up and contribute to the organization as you have. Then, see what you might want to do with your new-found time. Perhaps you can use some more rest or add an activity you truly enjoy. Trying some of the self-care ideas in this prior post might be a better way to use your time.
If you want to delve into whether you are using your time to create a meaningful life or you are just going through the motions to meet obligations that have become a chore, I highly recommend books by Emily Ley. Here are two that I found helpful:
Take it Slow
Just remember that change doesn’t happen overnight. If you try to tackle all three areas at once, you will become overwhelmed, give up, and only add to the negativity in your life.
Instead, try to envision your best life and which small steps you can make over time to realize that dream. It may take some time to figure this out, so sit with it for a while. Journal about it, listen to some positive podcasts, read an uplifting book, delve into comforting scripture, and fill your mind with positive ideas and thoughts.
Focus on one area at a time and one person, place or thing that you can change. Making these small alterations will yield big results over time.
This life will not be without its “musts”- people you must associate with, places you must go, and things you must have or do. But, a joyful vision of your life should also include the people, places and things you have chosen to round out your experience and create a positive environment for yourself. Having a positive mindset results more from our choices than our circumstances, so make sure you are intentionally choosing to be around the people, places and things that lead to joy.
How do you combat negative thinking and create a feeling of joy, peace, or serenity in your life? Are there people, places, or things that you now realize are not serving you where your mindset is concerned? Leave a message in the comments.
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**Photos by various artist on Pixabay.
