How and Why to Write Yourself a Love Letter

On this week before Valentine’s Day, many of us are thinking about sending out cards, purchasing candies, and making sure that those we love know how we feel about them. But, the one person we may not be thinking about showing some appreciation for is ourselves.

Of course, there are many ways to love yourself, and I’ve written about everything from cheap and easy self-care ideas to giving ourselves permission to scale back the holidays. But, one way to show yourself that you care is to write yourself a love letter.

I remember when my husband and I were dating, it seemed like I was receiving love letters every other week. It was so exciting to be young and in love, and I felt very much cherished in a way I had not before.

As I’ve grown older, I have learned that feeling validated and loved is not necessarily something I should be expecting outside of myself. In other words, like the old adage goes, we need to love ourselves before we can love others.

And, as I have been thinking about this over the past few weeks, I received some advice from two different people that prompted me to try a different way of showing myself that I am worthy of love. Both a friend and my therapist invited me to write letters to myself.

This reminded me of a post I wrote last year about writing yourself letters to your future self. I do this every 15 years. I write the letter to my future self and provide encouragement as well as a reminder about the goals that I hope I will carry with me into that time.

This time, I have written letters to myself that are going to be used in a couple of ways. The first one is to mark how far I have come these past few years in terms of my mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. The other is a letter I wrote to myself from God.

Writing both of these letters has been such a therapeutic experience for me. I was moved to tears as I recalled the struggles I have experienced, the times that I have fallen, and just how far I have come. I also reminded myself that I am worthy of love, that I am truly enough, and that nothing can remove me from the love that God has for me.

What started out as a mere letter to myself and a letter from God became something far more significant. I soon realized that I had ended up writing myself love letters.

I found the experience so meaningful, I felt I had to share it with others. I truly hope that you will read this article and try your hand at writing a love letter to yourself.

Whether you keep the letter framed on your bedside table, or save it for a rainy day, below are some tips for how to write to yourself a love letter and how to use the experience as a way to truly care for and love yourself.

Why Write a Letter to Yourself?

So, before I lay out some ideas for composing a love letter to yourself, it might be helpful to explore some of the reasons why this practice is worth trying.

Putting Ourselves First, For Once. If you are like me, you are probably very good at putting others’ needs ahead of your own. Women, especially those of us who are mothers, tend to make ourselves and our needs a last priority. We make sure that our partners and children are supported and feel loved. We even make sure to check on extended family, friends, and co-workers. My prayer list is long and filled with everyone from friends battling illnesses to my children’s pets. I only recently put myself on the list, and only because some friends pointed out it would be a good thing to do. Writing ourselves a love letter is a way to remind us that we are important and our feelings are valid. It allows us to put ourselves at the forefront of our minds and hearts, if only for the moments we are writing.

Focus on the Positives. Many of us are our own worst critics. We tend to be able to see the good in everyone but ourselves. Whether it’s perfectionism, having grown up with parents who demanded high achievement, or just low self-esteem, we can often berate ourselves in ways that we would never do to a friend or loved one. Writing a love letter is a practice that helps us to shift our attention from our negative qualities to our good ones.

Creating a Feel-Good Document. Because a letter is a tangible object that we can save and look at again and again, we can look back on it during times that we are feeling low. Love letters are often kept as memorabilia, and can be lovingly retrieved and re-read to evoke an old feeling or memory. Writing ourselves a love letter that highlights our strengths and validates our past can be a wonderful keepsake to use when we are feeling down about ourselves or our situations.

Provides Us What We May Be Missing. For those of us who grew up feeling less than perfect or did not hear “I love you” that much, a love letter from ourselves can help to fill a void. We live in a world that promotes the notion of expecting validation from outside of ourselves. Whether it is being popular in high school or the object of someone’s adoration, we may crave the attention that we think only others can provide. However, that expectation can often lead to disappointment. While having relationships and building support networks is a healthy way to function in society, we cannot rely on other people to make us feel whole. Writing a love letter remind us of our wholeness, independent of what others can provide. Reading that letter can help us to feel that no matter where we are in life or who surrounds us, we will always be complete because of who we are.

Helps Foster Our Compassion for Others. It has taken me a long time to understand and accept that I cannot truly love someone else if I do not truly love myself. What that means for me is showing myself grace, forgiveness, and patience. When I cannot do those things for myself, I have no hope of being gracious, forgiving, or patient with those around me. When I wrote myself my love letters, I acknowledged my insecurities and imperfections, and I loved myself despite them. This reminds me that no one is perfect, and that alone helps me to be more compassionate when I am tempted to judge or be less than patient with others.

Ways to Address Yourself in a Love Letter

So, you may be intrigued by the idea of writing yourself a letter, but you are not sure how it works. Or, maybe you feel it might be a little awkward writing, “Dear Me, . . . Love, Me.”

Luckily, as with most of these kinds of exercises, there is no right or wrong way to address yourself in a letter. Below are some ideas that might help you get started.

From Yourself to Yourself. This is the most common one we think of when given the advice to write ourselves a love letter. Use the name you go by, but feel free to change up the signature at the end. You could sign it “Your #1 Fan,” “Your Personal Cheerleader,” or “The Person Who Knows and Loves You Best.” It does not have to be awkward but is rather a way to say things to yourself that might not be so easy to express if you were just talking to yourself in the mirror.

Use a Nickname. Is there a name that only the people you grew up with called you? Perhaps there is a name you’ve always wished you had been called? It might even be a diminutive of your proper name (for example your name is Rebecca, but you feel special when people call you Becky). Whatever that name is, try to write yourself using a name that makes you feel cherished. You can end the letter by using the name you go by during your daily or professional life.

From God to You. If you feel strange writing to yourself, it might help to write from the perspective of someone else. The first one that was recommended to me was God. If you are religious or spiritual, it may feel comforting to be addressed by your creator/deity/higher power. That is particularly true if you believe this being cares for you in a profound way and would write you a caring and adoring love letter. You can begin the letter by addressing yourself how you believe your God would address you- “My dear child,” “My beloved,” etc.

From Someone Who Loves or Has Loved You. I find it is easiest to think of writing from the perspective of a loved one who is no longer here with us. For me, that person would be my maternal grandmother. She passed away almost 12 years ago, but she will always be one of the people who loved me most in my life. I feel like I know what she would say if she wrote a letter to me, and the thought of her still loving me brings so much comfort. She also had a way of pronouncing my name and wording certain phrases that, if I wrote them, would be sure to make the letter exude love for me. Writing from the perspective of someone who loves you will naturally lead you to write a letter that celebrates who you are.

From Your Older and Wiser Self. Perhaps you can write yourself a retrospective letter from the future. What would the older version of yourself tell you about who you are and how loved you should feel? After a lifetime of living, your future self may help to remind you of your core values and the reasons you should be proud of who you are today.

From Your Inner Child. When you think of all that you have accomplished in life, regardless of whether you took a different path than you thought you would when you were younger, are you proud of the person you have become? Write a letter from your inner child and have her be in awe of all that you have done. Even if your life is filled with things you regret, are you being fair with yourself about the good things you have done? Let this child put your mind at ease with the pride she feels in having grown into the kind of person who can write a letter like this.

What to Include in a Love Letter to Yourself

I recommend handwriting it on actual paper. The reason for that is when we write by hand, rather than typing in a computer, we tend to be more intentional in selecting our words, since it is more difficult to correct what we’ve written.

Below is a set of really pretty stationery that would be perfect for writing yourself a love letter or two: (#Ad)

I also recommend you write during a period of stillness in your day. If you are feeling hurried or are dealing with a frustrating problem, you won’t be in the best state of mind to be writing anyone a love letter, let alone one to yourself.

Once you have figured out how you will be addressing yourself in this letter, and who the author is, it is time to put it together. Set yourself up to write in a comfortable spot and, if you are having trouble thinking of what to include, consider including the following:

Validate Your Journey. No matter where you are in life, you have traveled a certain road to get to where you are. Acknowledge the path you have taken to get to where you are in your letter and congratulate yourself for overcoming any obstacles that were placed in your path.

List Your Accomplishments. Each positive thing you have done in your life is an achievement to be celebrated. As you look back over your life, note the things that you most admire about yourself. These should not be limited to what others might see as big accomplishments. Any small win during the course of your life is something that should be listed in your love letter.

Highlight Your Positive Traits. Each of us has good and bad qualities in our characters. Learning to focus on the positive ones can help us to cultivate them further and hopefully diminish some of our more negative qualities. Perhaps you are good listener, a generous friend, or a supportive parent. All of these are qualities to be celebrated and noted in your love letter.

Forgive Yourself. If you feel that you have negative traits that cast a shadow on your good ones, your love letter provides a wonderful opportunity to forgive yourself and move on with a more positive view. So, feel free to acknowledge that you are not perfect (remembering that no person is), and give yourself encouragement to make the changes you need to change those character weaknesses into strengths. The important thing is to set a positive tone. This is a love letter, so speak to yourself as you would to a friend who might be struggling with the same issues.

Encourage Yourself to Move Forward. No matter what you have pointed out in your letter, whether it be a long list of meaningful accomplishments or things that you know you will be doing better in the future, give yourself some encouragement. This is a love letter. Love yourself enough to say that you know you are capable of achieving good things. Remind yourself of goals, hopes, and dreams you have had and note the confidence you have in yourself or in reaching these goals.

You Are Enough. This is a reminder that is worth stating on a daily basis. Your love letter can be a place where you state it with clarity. You matter and are worthy of love, joy, and security. Promise to be there for yourself and to cheer yourself on as you go through life.

What to Do with Your Love Letter

So, if you’ve gotten this far, you may be wondering what to do with your letter. When we write letters to other people, this question has a simple answer: give the letter to its intended recipient.

But, when the letter is written to yourself, the question takes on some complexity. This is where you need to ask yourself, how will this letter best serve you?

Below are some ideas for how to use and store your letter. While only you can determine the most effective way of using your letter, these ideas will hopefully help you decide:

Place it Somewhere Accessible. I say accessible because this is a love letter, not a vision board. You may not want to share this letter with others and may want to keep it private. If you feel the best way to use this letter is as a frequent reminder of all the positive things you have said to yourself, put it somewhere that is within easy reach when you may need to read it. If you work outside the home, it might be best to place it in your work bag or planner- whatever travels with you from home to your workplace. If it contains advice or sentiments about a particular part of your life (such as your art room), perhaps placing it in a safe place in a related location might be best. Make sure that only you know where it is, but that it is within easy reach when you need it.

Give it to a Trusted Friend to Send to You Later.  In my church, we often write letters to ourselves when we attend spiritual retreats. The letters are placed in self-addressed, stamped envelopes and mailed to us at a later date. The purpose of this is so we feel the impact of the letter after we have forgotten what we wrote. It makes the letter feel fresh, and I’m often amazed at how it usually arrives at just the time I need to read it. Love letters are perfect for this kind of arrangement. Ask a friend to send it to you and have them randomly choose the time they will send it. It’s always nice to receive correspondence, but receiving a love letter is a special treat.

Store it to Read at a Much Later Date. Place the letter in a place you are not likely to run across it- such as in a lockbox or a desk drawer you do not use. Depending on when you wrote your letter, you may wish to set a notification in your phone or calendar to prompt yourself to read it at that later time. If you are embarking on a difficult situation (such as an illness or dealing with a loved one’s issues), you might want to open it during or after that situation has passed. Or, you might want to read it a year or more later, like I do with my 15-year letter. At that point, your love letter becomes an emotional time capsule and may provided even greater comfort depending on the season you are in when you open it.

A really neat way to ensure you won’t peek at your letter is to use sealing wax. It also has the benefit of making it look vintage and pretty. Here is a set that includes wax and the letter initial of your choice: (#AD)

Write More than One and Read Them At Multiple Times. One way to see if any of these ideas will work for you is to write multiple letters. Try writing ones with different voices and save them to be read at different times. We are all so unique and complex, you might find yourself writing different things depending on the way you address and sign your letters.

No matter who you write your letter to or how you sign it, write your letter with love. Love yourself. We cannot guarantee that any other human on the planet will love us as much as we can love ourselves, so make the most of your quiet time and write yourself that you are loved.

Do you write love letters to yourself? Are there other ideas you can share about your process? Leave a comment below.

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