Swapping Guilt for Grace This Holiday Season

I like the holidays. Honestly, I do! We celebrate Christmas every year, and when I was growing up my mom loved to decorate. After she was done, we often said that our home looked like the Spirit of Christmas came over and threw up all over the house. 😁 But, we were just kidding. I actually remember being a little sad each January when the decorations came down and the house looked stark and almost naked. But, this post is not about my mom. It’s about me. For the past few years, I have found myself decorating and scheduling less around the holidays. I was feeling a bit guilty about it until I started to consider the big picture. This year, we have put up the least amount than ever before, but I appreciate my reasons for it and will be taking each holiday season one year at a time. If you are overwhelmed by the holidays and are looking to simplify some of the activities and decorations, read on.

When Enough is Too Much

You see, when I first got married, I could not wait to set my own holiday traditions. I had begun collecting Christmas ornaments as early as high school and already had enough to decorate the little five foot tree we bought for our first apartment. I baked cookies, made fruitcake (one people actually wanted to eat, thank you very much), and decorated with the stockings we had brought from our childhood homes!

But, the decorating soon got out of hand. By the time we had kids, I had collected several large storage boxes filled with ornaments (it would take putting up one box a night for more than a week to get them all on the tree), would joyfully decorate nearly every room in the house with everything from electric candles in the windows to little knick-knacks and stuffed animals, and made sure we had lights on the bushes and around the hand rails. I had a large tree in our living room, a small one in our den, and miniature trees to hold mini-ornaments in each of the kids’ rooms. We also had special lights around the kids’ bedroom windows to make everything look even more festive. Not surprisingly, taking it all down was often more of a chore than putting it up.

More than that, I became overwhelmed with holiday activities. For several years running, I volunteered to direct the church Advent Pageant (mini-musicals with the kids that took weeks to put together), baked several varieties of cookies (at least a dozen or two each), and was also performing with our church orchestra and singing solos on Christmas Eve. On the holiday itself, I planned elaborate, fancy meals; individual Cornish hens or standing rib roasts complete with homemade sauces and sides. I didn’t take much time off of work to get this all done. Instead, I kept up the same frantic pace at work, fitting in office holiday activities on top of my work. Not surprisingly, I started developing physical ailments each holiday season- laryngitis most years, a mouth sore that would not heal another year, and a couple of years ago, the neuropathy in my arms that stopped me in my tracks and made me rethink my life. It was all too much.

Since my neuropathy diagnosis, which has been linked to stress, I have taken a closer look at how I’m spending my time both before, during, and after the holidays. And, I realized that what had started out as a few joyful traditions had, for me, turned into resentful obligations. Once the person that never understood how anyone would want to avoid the holidays, I developed a kinship with those grouchy holiday movie characters and found myself annoyed when the movies ended with these folks finally seeing the light and succumbing to the joy of Christmas spirit. But, rather than avoid Christmas entirely, like the John Grisham novel Skipping Christmas (#Ad) and movie (#Ad) suggest, I decided to hone in on what exactly about the holidays was driving me nuts. And, I came up with the following:

A List of Things That Can Rob the Holidays of Happiness:

• Over-scheduling. Between work and family, I’m already a bit over-committed. To add directing a holiday show, singing solos, and office door-decorating contests to the mix made me feel like I could not get a minute to just breathe. It’s so easy to cover-commit to things during the holidays, and we feel guilty about saying no.
• Complicated cooking. The cookies and elaborate meals are delicious, and everyone always oo’s and ah’s over them. But with my family’s food restrictions, everything like that has to be made from scratch. There were no shortcuts, or at least I felt like I couldn’t take any, which made cooking a chore and left me alone in the kitchen while everyone else socialized.
• Too many decorations. This was the main issue and it totally snuck up on me. The problem was that we collected new things each year- ornaments for the tree, doodads to hang off of little knobs in the living room, or tchotchkes to sit on bathroom counters. My dad made a beautiful platform to go around the tree with a train on it. It would take more than a week to decorate the house, and the same amount of time to put it all back. And, my desire to have a beautifully lighted home would often result in the stress of making sure outdoor decorations were down by the end of January complete with scratched-up hands from prying lights away from thorny bushes.
• Insisting on using holiday-themed serving pieces. For my wedding I was given holiday water glasses, special napkin rings, and other serving pieces that are practically Christmas decorations on their own. But, they are stored away from my usual things and most have to be hand-washed. I then would feel compelled to use the good china just to have everything look “special.”
• Over-spending. This one is obvious and common. People go overboard with buying presents and often equate the price of gifts with the love they have for their loved ones. I always felt like I could be budgeting more wisely.

After reading books like Emily Ley’s Grace, Not Perfection (#Ad), I knew I was doing myself a disservice by over-doing it each holiday season. (I just got a copy of When Less Becomes More (#Ad) and have a feeling this book will reinforce this idea). All the prep and activities left me grumpy and striving for a form of perfection that only a crew of HGTV decorators and Food Network chefs can reasonably pull off. I was creating an alternate reality for my holidays, and it was not one that built on happy memories but rather frustration and anxiety.

If you have continued reading to this point, then take heart. I am not saying that we need to boycott the holidays. I think we need to get back to what the holidays are really about- and this is remembering the meaning behind our religious traditions and creating joyful memories we can look back on fondly. It is also important to recognize that traditions change and should reflect where we are in lives- what some women call the seasons of our lives. All it means is that we swap out our guilt about not having the perfect house, family, or holiday schedule with grace and compassion for ourselves.

Areas to Explore When Scaling Back the Holidays

• Timing. Where are you in life? Are you still in school? Single? Married? Do you have kids living with you? Are you a retired empty-nester? The holiday activities you plan and the amount of decorating you do may depend on what your life looks like at this moment. If you have little ones, perhaps these are not the years for taking out the Waterford Crystal nativity set -just stick with the Fisher Price one. If you are downsizing to a smaller home, this may be the year you donate some of those excess decorations. Or, perhaps all the kids will be home from college and you want to put out every one of their favorite ornaments on the tree. Let the holidays reflect your season.
• Time. Now, check your planner. If you are going away the week of Christmas, perhaps putting up every decoration you own is not the best idea as you will come home to a lot of decorations to clean up that you didn’t really get to enjoy. Or, if you are hosting a holiday party, maybe just concentrate decorations in the areas of your home where folks will gather. See how much time you will have to work on your house and remember that holiday traditions do not have to be time-consuming.
• Plan. Sit down with your family and figure out which traditions mean something to all of you. Do you take a day to see movie together? Do you visit an outdoor lights display? Or, are there some new traditions you can find such as a craft fair on a weekend or holiday day-hike with the local parks and rec program that would be more meaningful than some of the traditions which have lost their luster? Look for ways to spend time together that will leave you with happy memories instead of stress.
• Decorate within limits. We sometimes live our lives trying to live up to some ideal that we have either conjured for ourselves or to keep up with what we think someone else has achieved. Put things inside and outside your home that bring you joy- not just accolades. Think about the time you have to both put out decorations and put them away. If you know you will be unhappy with the amount of work, figure out what will work for you- either by putting out less or getting help. If your kids are set on having certain decorations, get them involved in putting them up and taking them down. Have your family put up the decorations that they want to have out his year.
• Food. Prepare foods that make you happy and do not involve a lot of prep or cook time. It doesn’t have to be fancy! If you do a cookie exchange, you do not need to be the person who brings 5 varieties. Also, just because you are hosting people on the big day, you do not have to prepare it all from scratch. I learned last Easter that Whole Foods has allergy-friendly side dishes that went perfectly with the main dish I was preparing. Or, take some help from a trusty kitchen appliance. This year, I will be making a roast in my big electric pressure cooker. That way, I dump in all the ingredients and I can enjoy my company while the appliance cooks our meal.
• Money. Simplifying is not just about less clutter, it is also about having a mindset of prosperity, and we do not prosper when we are spending money needlessly. Buy meaningful, not necessarily expensive, gifts for your loved ones and ask yourself whether you really need the things you have asked of others. There have been so many holidays when the desperately-desired gift was tossed aside a few hours after receiving it. Also, going into debt to buy the latest and greatest must-have items leads to a financially stressful new year.

Where I am. This year, I have two areas of my house being repaired: my garage and the living room front window and woodwork. Although we like having at least a few outdoor decorations, we decided to honor our situation and just change out our garden flag and put up a wreath on the front door while the various contractors do what they need to do (why set ourselves up for heartbreak when they accidentally trample something?) The window repair also meant we couldn’t put the tree in its normal spot, so we moved it to the den and have left the living room a Christmas-free zone, which is fine. I also have more projects at work than usual, so I knew I would have to work some evenings. That has meant fewer tree decorations. Overall, I have set out just a quarter of what I did in the past, and I’m thrilled that it only took a little bit of time to do so. Because I decorated intentionally within the confines of our situation, I am not feeling guilty. Here are some ways to simplify decorating for the holidays.

Holiday Decorating Shortcuts

• Have a theme. This is something I teach to law school students and other lawyers when it comes to writing briefs, but it works just as well for Christmas decorations! If you have a lot of ornaments, don’t feel compelled to put them all out. Perhaps have an all-white theme and add only the white decorations from your collection. Or, if you have full sets of collectible ornaments, just put out those. Another idea is to have just glass ornaments or ball ornaments. I’ve even had a music-themed tree with only our musical-related ornaments. The same can be used for your decorations throughout the house.
• Use an outdoor light projector instead of strings of lights on the outside of your home, which are a pain to get up and down. These projectors do a great job and they often are the size of a microphone, so they’re easier to store as well. If you haven’t seen one before, you just aim the projector at your house and set it to project an image that envelopes the whole house with just one plugged-in device. Here is an example of a light projector. (#Ad).
• Decorate with natural greenery. Although we are encouraged to use reusable items, natural greenery can come in handy when you don’t want to have to unbox and store things during the holiday season. These can be wreaths, evergreen garlands, poinsettia plants, and advent wreaths. They can also lend a lovely scent to your home.
• Have the kids make decorations. Remember those paper snowflakes, popcorn garland, or construction paper chains? They make for lovely, rustic decorations that keep the kids busy when making them and can be discarded so you don’t spend time storing items after the holidays are over.
• Use what you have around the house. If you have an empty wine bottle, throw in a short string of Christmas lights. Use an empty Hurricane vase (#Ad) and fill with assorted round ornaments. If you have a pretty bowl- do the same with ornaments or pine cones.

These are just a few ideas. Remember, your house doesn’t need to look the same every year, nor should it look like a magazine cover. You should feel free to go bigger or smaller with the number of decorations, activities, and foods that you choose to fill your holidays. The holidays should reflect where YOU are in life, not your neighbor or coworker or some memory of perfect childhood holidays. Just remember to do it for yourself and your family, and to do what brings you all joy. Do you have any ideas for simplifying during the holidays? Leave a comment below!

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