Book Review: “13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do”

With life becoming much busier, I have found it more beneficial to post on a biweekly basis. This is why I didn’t get a chance to post my book review last month. So, I’m excited to share some of the insights I gained from “13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do.” (#Ad)

The author of this book, Amy Morin, has written other books with similar titles. The first was (#Ad) “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.” Others include (#Ad) “13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do” and (#Ad) “13 Things Strong Kids Do.”

 Aside from the one written for kids, Morin writes self-help books that have a bit of a twist. Rather than approach mental strength by listing out what we should do, she frames her list as one of “don’ts.”

It’s a novel approach, but the main thing I appreciated about the book I reviewed is that it focused on some common pitfalls specifically for women. As I do for all my book reviews, below you’ll find a brief overview of the book as well as my personal takeaways and a likes/dislikes section.

Overview of “13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do”

Amy Morin is a psychologist and therapist. As I mentioned, she has written several books and considers herself an expert in “mental strength.” This term, the author notes, is made up of 3 components: Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors.

The three don’t act independently. When we struggle with one area, it tends to affect the others. For example, many experts agree that our thoughts can influence our feelings. Negative thoughts and feelings can lead to a person’s behaving in self-destructive or unhealthy ways.

Morin’s decision to write a book specifically geared toward women is based on social science research finding that women are seeking to grow in terms of inner strength. As such, she notes that her goals in writing the book are to both empower women in building their strength and encourage them to empower others.

Chapters

The book, as the title suggests, is divided into 13 chapters focusing on the 13 “don’ts”:

1. They Don’t compare Themselves to Other People
2. They Don’t Insist on Perfection
3. They Don’t See Vulnerability as a Weakness
4. They Don’t Let Self-Doubt Stop Them From Reaching Their Goals
5. They Don’t Overthink Everything
6. They Don’t Avoid Tough Challenges
7. They Don’t Fear Breaking the Rules
8. They Don’t Put Others Down to Lift Themselves Up
9. They Don’t Let Others Limit Their Potential
10. They Don’t Blame Themselves When Something Goes Wrong
11. They Don’t Stay Silent
12. They Don’t Feel Bad about Reinventing Themselves
13. They Don’t Downplay Their Success

Basic Chapter Format

The chapters of the book contain a mixture of stories and social science research to help the author make her point for each chapter. The stories appear to be anecdotes taken from patients in her therapy practice.

Each chapter has the same basic structure. At the beginning of each chapter is a quote that relates to that chapter’s topic. This is followed by the beginning of the patient story, which leads into a description of the chapter topic.

The author then includes some questions to help the reader determine whether the topic is something they struggle with to some extent in their own life and adds a section explaining why we do these things. The reason can range from personal payoffs to societal expectations that have traditionally been placed on women.

The next section explains why the particular “don’t” is “bad.” In other words, why is this type of behavior unhelpful or unhealthy?

Morin will follow-up the discussion of why the behavior is bad with suggestions for what to do instead and demonstrates how the issue plays out in terms of a women’s career, family, and social life.

Each chapter ends with a summary of the “do’s” that she calls “What’s Helpful,” and the “don’ts,” titled “What’s Not Helpful.” This short section is bulleted and provides the key points from the chapter.

The book’s organization is predictable, which makes it easier to navigate the chapters.

My Takeaways

What I really appreciated about this book is that it tackled some issues I have noticed in myself and my female friends. Girls are raised to be well-behaved and quiet. This often leads us to silence our voices and may result in our missing opportunities or staying in situations that make us unhappy.

Each chapter had lots of helpful information, but here is what really resonated with me from each chapter.

They Don’t compare Themselves to Other People– I have heard this many times: “comparison is the thief of joy.” Our current societal norms thrive on comparison. It’s the reason people flock to social media sites so they can post their latest photos to prove just how great their lives are. However, Morin notes that this is a particularly damaging practice for women, who are more likely to not only compare themselves to others but allow others’ success take away from their self-esteem. By taking the competition out of relationships, we not only feel better about others but ourselves.

They Don’t Insist on Perfection– In this chapter, Morin points out how unhealthy it is to strive for perfection. Perfectionism is a self-defeating goal as no one is rally perfect and cannot hope to achieve perfection. Through her stories, she reveals that releasing the pressure to be perfect is key to having peace of mind.

They Don’t See Vulnerability as a Weakness– In this chapter, I was reminded that much of our desire to hide our vulnerabilities is based in fear. Being vulnerable feels risky, given we live in a world where we are so easily judged or could be rejected. This is especially true for women, who are often cast as “the weaker sex.” The author explains that learning to be vulnerable can open up opportunities in our relationships and allow us to feel feelings that, if suppressed, could lead to mental or physical health issues.

They Don’t Let Self-Doubt Stop Them from Reaching Their Goals– Fear of failure is real, especially for women. Many of us were raised with fixed mindsets (see my book review of Mindset), which means we tend to think we have certain unchangeable qualities rather than acknowledging that we are works in progress that can evolve and grow. Having a fixed mindset leaves us judging ourselves when we fail, which affects our sense of self-worth. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy where our focus on self-doubt dooms us to fail. We are what we think, so thinking good thoughts about our abilities and goals is what leads to good results.

They Don’t Overthink Everything– While it’s good to be thoughtful about our decisions, we can overdo it and become obsessive. When we overanalyze every aspect of our life, it can lead to anxiety and indecision. As the author notes, women are more likely to worry, and this overthinking can lead to mental health and behavioral problems. That said, Morin frames it as a type of bad habit and provides several tips for replacing worry with more constructive thought processes.

They Don’t Avoid Tough Challenges– We usually avoid challenging activities out of a fear of failure. The author explains how women avoid taking risks, often because we have little self-confidence and try to avoid uncomfortable situations. However, this can close the door on opportunities. The author suggests we challenge ourselves to step outside of our comfort zones and try new things. She also recommends surrounding ourselves with women who are risk takers.

They Don’t Fear Breaking the Rules – Many women, including myself, were raised to be rule-followers. Of course, following rules can be a responsible and positive thing. However, when those rules hold you back or are just arbitrary societal rules that were set up to reserve opportunities for a chosen few, we need to consider breaking them. Women hold jobs that were traditionally held by men, and we can also do things that align without our values, even if our families or communities don’t understand. It’s hard to be a female rule-breaker as those are often seen as troublemakers, at least at first. However, honoring yourself and your values by breaking some of those arbitrary rules could lead to paving the way for other women to have similar opportunities later.

They Don’t Put Others Down to Lift Themselves Up– As a group, women holdless power in society than men. Individually, a woman may feel the illusion of power when she holds herself above others by putting them down. But, this feeling is short-lived and leads to our contributing to a cycle of keeping others from progressing. It could also lead to hurting those around us. Instead, the author suggests focusing on building our own self-confidence and helping others through our good leadership or mentorship

They Don’t Let Others Limit Their Potential– We may have had others criticize us or try to define us in some way. And, what’s worse, we have bought into those beliefs about ourselves. The author reminds us that we don’t need to conform to societal norms or the expectations of those around us. Although fear of rejection, criticism, or gossip may be driving us, we can become aware of how we’ve conformed ourselves to others’ beliefs. Once we have that awareness, we can work on building ourselves up with positive self-talk and taking action in line with our values and goals.

They Don’t Blame Themselves When Something Goes Wrong– As women, we often internalize things and feel responsible for everyone we care about. So, when things go wrong, we may blame ourselves, even when we are not truly at fault. This leads to self- loathing and all the bad behaviors that come with it. Instead, the author suggests focusing on the facts rather than the feelings. Moreover, we can own up to our actual harms and make amends when we’ve hurt someone or ourselves.

They Don’t Stay Silent– The book often raises some issues that came to light during the “me too” movement. She notes that many women stay silent and may be in denial of being the target of mistreatment. This may because they don’t want to see themselves as victims or fear a backlash if they speak out. However, those who victimize women will continue to do so as long as no one speaks out against that sort of behavior. Becoming informed about these situations- both that they are unacceptable and learning what the options are if it happens to you- can help empower us to speak up for ourselves. Sharing about the situation with a trusted person can also help, even if just to help us unburden ourselves. But, where possible, especially when we have power and options, the author recommends speaking up for other women who are being mistreated.

They Don’t Feel Bad about Reinventing Themselves– Realizing you’re on the wrong path, or just accepting that your values or dreams have changed can be scary. This is especially so if we’ve built our identities around our current lives, roles, or careers. It may also be threatening to those around use who have grown comfortable with having us in these roles. But, the author reminds us that change can be positive. Taking it slowly can help. She suggests starting with trying new habits, activities, and experiences that will aid in your growth and evolution.

They Don’t Downplay Their Success – Although being arrogant and boastful is a negative way to behave, no matter what your gender, downplaying your successes can hurt your personal development. Many women suffer from “imposter syndrome.” Social science studies reveal that men are programmed to do the opposite- they often feel they are more accomplished or qualified than they actually are, which leads them to seek out opportunities and advance in their careers. Women, however, have often been taught since childhood to dumb themselves down to gain boys’ approval. Our modesty and humility is often seen as a virtue. However, it can hold us back from future success and progress. Instead, the author recommends listing our assets and approaching them with gratitude rather than playing them down. Over time, this will lead to a more confident and positive mindset.

Likes and dislikes.

I always start with the dislikes. And, the usual criticism comes to mind. For many of the suggestions here, there is an implication that the women are in a position to advance that doesn’t take into account their race, socioeconomic status, or other factors that often act as a bar to progress in our society. So, again, I recommend taking these with that grain of salt.

However, overall, I found it refreshing to read a book that focuses on the ways women can overcome some of the habits and societal expectations that have often held us back.

Have you read any of Morin’s other books? How do they compare to this women-focused version? Any other thoughts? Share them in the comments below!

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